The promise of lies

Intimate partners must trust each other for a relationship to thrive. Their faith in each other’s promises and subsequent follow-through is what sustains their faith in the relationship and in each other.

Most couples agree that automatic trust is not a guarantee. It must be earned on a continuing basis. When couples are committed to the same values and behaviors, they live by them when they are in each other’s presence and when they are apart. They mutually agree that breaking those promises will disrupt the foundation of their relationship.

There are multiple levels of broken promises that create different reactions in different people. Some can be potential deal breakers, like repeated addictive escapes, infidelities, or anything else that is hidden from the other partner and might risk his or her consent were it to be known. When those breaches of trust are repeated, many intimate relationships just cannot survive.

Most broken promises are not intentional, motivated by meanness, or routinely repeated. Every loving couple knows they must be able to endure occasional broken promises, as long as they are not dangerous to the relationship’s foundation. People who love each other try to understand and forgive when those occasional mishaps occur. They weigh them against the good qualities of the relationship and try to let them go.

That doesn’t mean loving partners do not pay attention or just sweep their own transgressions under the rug. Even if the mishaps might be slight and not terribly distressing to the other partner, they still feel responsible for any upset they may have caused and sincerely apologize, committing to be more careful in the future. 

However, when any disappointing or offensive behavior happens repeatedly, it can become a problem. Forgiveness can become less automatic when behavior doesn’t change. When small issues are not handled and resolved, they can too easily lead to more crucial offenses in the future.